Walk the Rainbow Road

Two true things: I was raised by my mom, an eternal optimist. I am here as part of a legacy of familial depression. So, not without struggle but also not without hope.

If you are reading this and you have never experienced depression for yourself, some of this may not sound possible. Depression is different for everyone, but please know that it is real. As real as having a sprained ankle, but instead of limiting walking and moving your body, it limits the capacity for right mental perception. I have struggled through bouts of what I called depression for many years. In the winter of 2014, I went to a new therapist who diagnosed me, somewhat to my relief.

For me, depression never takes the road to suicide. It’s not that it hasn’t gotten bad before, but that is not on the table for me. I am often met with skepticism when I speak about depression. Because I am a cheerful person in general? That’s so rude. It always reminds me that you never know what is going on with people. Late that winter, I was despondent. I was in a place with no movement and no light. It’s a very lonely, and even when all of me is screaming out from the inside, and my body is walking around nodding, the real me is lost somewhere very far away where there is no way to reach out for help.

I used to think that it appeared and disappeared like an awful kind of magic. But yesterday when I felt it start to unpack its musty suitcase, I could trace the route back to a feeling of increasing overwhelm and lots of tiny futilities. Last night I was just trying to stay here in this world. Today, I found myself sitting on the couch not moving or responding for possibly a very long time. And then it was time to get up and be in the world. I had the ever-steady Bike Man to lean on, and he let me lean. Here are some things that happened today that helped me claw my way back from depression.

1. A big bunch of parsley. Chopped up with salt, onions, lemon cucumbers from someone’s garden and pickled garlic and chiles.
2. A hot-ass walk with a little baby sleeping sweaty on me.
3. A stinky, sicky sweet patch of sun baked sour cherries on the road.
4. Some feisty ass-grabbin’.
5. 2 people I love randomly reached out to check in with me.
6. A friend said the phrase, “neighborhood dildo factory”, in regards to potential work opportunities.
7. Found refuge in fabric and new quilt patterns
8. I told my husband, “I’m getting depressed”. It took every ounce of me to announce it aloud. But he put his hand on my shoulder, and then didn’t ask me any more questions.
9. The rainbow road.

If I had to write a remedy for my future self, it would be this:

Grab someone’s hand and squeeze. If you want to move, move. If you want to be still, be still. It’s ok to check out from the children for a bit, just let someone know. Make a sweet nest, where it’s all cozy and soft, leave no room for shame to sneak in on top. Take in breath like the balm for the soul that it is. No more questions or answers required at this time.

Love, as always,

W